remember

If we never shall see each other again, then I ask that you preserve the memory of the girl I was with you. If you ever think of me, maybe when you walk by our coffee shop, when your lips drink from the mug my hands crafted for you, or maybe you remember me when you read the words of my books that call your shelves home now; if you ever remember me… I hope that you remember me the way that I was in each moment with you; raw, real, messy, flawed but free. 

I hope that you remember my imperfections through nostalgia’s softened lens; let everything I tried to hide from you blend, become, blur and merge into all the pieces of me that you once adored. Reunite me in your memory. 

Remember how I cackled with joy but not how I cried on the cold side of our bed. 

Remember our sense of reckless abandonment for each other but not my final act of abandoning us. 

Remember how incredible holding me was but not how hollow I went when you asked me those four simple words… will you marry me?

When you remember me, if you ever do, close your eyes and feel the curve of my smile, or see the glint of my eyes whenever I looked to you. Maybe even remember how the moonlight looked upon my skin… but please, don’t remember the sun rising and my space in the bed only holding your shadow… 

Because my love, the sun or moon never truly set both rise somewhere else, for someone else… someone better, someone new, someone who will be able to love you in all the ways that I could not. The sun is rising in my empty space of our bed. The sun is rising somewhere for someone who will love me for all the parts that I wish for you not to remember. 

You may think that our days of loving each other ended when the moon hit its lowest, when eternal darkness spread over our bodies, when your shadow and heart blended into the blackness. But my love, 

The coldest winters bring the warmest summers. 

The brightest light needs the darkest home. 

Thank you love for being my darkest night, for loving me in my darkest nights. 

Waking to see only a shadow, may be remembered as one of your darkest hours, but I wish it was remembered as your rising. It was the beginning of our rising. Your rising, my rising, our unique and separate futures rising. 

We set so that we could each rise again, anew. What a blessing it is that we will never see each other again. That you will never know when my health is failing or when I begin the last act of abandoning you. Don’t remember me any differently, don’t imagine me ever changing. Don’t try to be with me in a tomorrow that extends outside of our past. Don't reach for me in your future. Please don't reunite us in your memory.

When the sun hides behind your clouds and the moon cascades over you tonight. Please close your eyes, feel my smile, see the glint in my eyes that I had for you, for always you, and remember me always as the girl that I was… 

Remember the way that I loved you… remember I will always love you.

Ailey Jolie