healing is in your hands

When it comes to self-development and spiritual growth adventures anyone who has met me... knows I have given everything my ears have heard a try. I have tried so many different things because in my early twenties I was desperate for help. It didn't really matter what it was; I just wanted to feel better. If someone I met told me they knew a guru in India who could "heal" me, I would be on the next plane, with my life packed up and on a pursuit to find that guru. This actually happened and no... I didn't get healed in India instead I got Delhi belly (how to cure Delhi belly is an entirely separate topic). 

After healing Delhi belly in India, I did feel a bit bitter, and I did learn a lot in India. But the problem with the pursuit I was on was that I wanted to feel better, not right now, but ten minutes before right now. I was impatient. This meant that I was always looking for the quick fix. There are positives to the tenacity in which I fought for my wounds to become wisdom but there are also negatives to this approach. For the record, I no longer believe in any 'fix' (but that is a whole other blog post). 

When I was freshly twenty, I had very little discernment and an inability to use my voice around what I felt would truly better me (I didn't even know who I was...). Because I didn't know who I was, I have done some interesting things in my pursuit of both self-development and spiritual growth. I have done the far-out woo-woo shit like collecting sticks in a forest to beat the f#ck out of a tree in an attempt to channel my anger, I have taken psychedelics with my mom to heal our drama, smoked up toad venom DMT trying to get comfortable with my trauma, and traveled around the world solo lady style seeking, searching, so desperately hoping to find me. 

I have also swung to the far radical conservative right, as a 'baby' therapist and medical student drop out, I have tried every type of empirically validated and evidence-based protocol that "has been demonstrated to result in feelings of empowerment, mindfulness, calm, and... peace". I can tell you that even if a doctors name is behind it, it won't mean anything unless you believe that what you are doing will help and that you want to change.

Seriously.

I can fully admit that for years I was seeking help but that I didn't really want to change. Because I was comfortable. I got comfortable in my suffering and then finally the suffering was too much, and I had to change (an eating disorder was killing me). Then for years after I got pretty cozy and cuddly in my pursuit of healing. I hung out in the self-development and spiritual growth communities because I was scared of really living my life. What if self-development and spiritual growth wasn't forefront in my life anymore. What if I didn't need to travel around the globe, spend mindless hours doing CBT homework, or smoke venom from a toad? What if everything I needed to heal was to me and to heal all I needed to do was get out of my way...

That message, that knowing... is what spending my twenties doing and trying it all has led me to believe. That we have all the resources within us, we just have to believe that we do and we also have to really want change. We are limitless, the creators of our destiny and everything we need to change is within our hands (literally not metaphorically).