what if


I continued to struggle with my weight for years into my eating disorder recovery. This struggle didn't consume me, it didn't take up all my mental space, dictate my diet or days... but did continuously break down my self-esteem. 

During this time, I was fixated on those last few pounds, the ones I gained at the ending of my recovery, those extra ?#!-%#$ pounds - you know the ones you have gained and lost and gained again in “recovery.”

The pounds we feel on our legs, our stomach or on the cheeks of our smile? The pounds we lose when the anxiety of life gets the best of us and we fall back into utilizing an eating disorder as a coping mechanism. The pounds we see in every picture. The pounds that makes our pants to tight.

The ones we see first see when we look at our newly 'recovered' body.

The ones we feel as we are gaining them. The ones we allow our emotions, experiences and self worth from? The pounds we obsess about losing before our hot tropical vacation? Before the first date? Before that big work event? 

But did you know, the ONLY person who actually cares about those pounds is US? We are the only ones who notice these pounds. 

Others don't notice because they're noticing our gLowing smiles, vibrant laugh, twinkling eyes, and how beautiful it is to see us nourished and flourishing and not comparing or critiquing our bodies. 

The choice is ours. We can spend the rest of our lives struggling with those pounds? Our we can be free of these pounds... Because what if the only true way to really be free of these pounds is to accept them and hold on to them? Wear them proudly? Allow them to be apart of our being? What if we embraced them, like they already embrace us. 

Ailey Jolie